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gymgirl05
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Name: Jessica
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Grand Ledge
Gender: Female
Interests: definitely sleeping. eating anything that DOESNT come from the school dining center. dancing, gymnastics and diving even though i dont do them anymore. Reading for sure. sowing. scrapbooking. writing. singing...
Expertise: I'm a bio major =)
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  jessiemay1123
Member Since:
2/11/2005
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| "I didn't try to hide the pain from myself. I settled into it, letting the pain in my heart echo the soreness of my wounds. In time, both would diminish and become more bearable. I knew that now. I hadn't thought the enormity of that grief would ever grow less raw and overwhelming, that I'd ever wake to face a new day without felling my heart scourged anew with a tide of anguish and helpless fury. But bit by bit, I was learning to live with it. We live, we heal, we endure. We mourn the dead and treasure the living. We bear our scars." Jacqueline Carey
It is always harder to believe in a greater being, a better place, when faced with infinite sorrow. Or at least in my own experience this has proved true. There's so many questions a person can ask. Why me? Why now? WHY? Because sometimes everything takes a turn for the worse and there doesn't seem to be a reason for it. Or maybe there is. The world is abundant in balance: day and night, warm and cold, men and women, land and water. And then some of the hardest to accept: joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, death and life. We know that we cannot live forever (and I personally don't desire to), but that doesn't make the death of someone we're close to any easier to bear. Because, couldn't someone else have died instead? If only we had a little more time together... Not to mention the fierce heartache caused by their absence in your life, the sorrow at the future pleasures you can no longer experience together.
And now for my own personal take on the religious side of everything (and yes, I realize you might not believe the same thing, but I'm okay with that). I think God created Jesus as a manifestation of himself so that we understood that suffering is a necessary part of life. To experience the joy and pleasure in life, we must understand the pain and sorrow. And death. How can you appreciate the little things if you have no tragedy (or prospect of tragedy) to demonstrate their importance? It is believed that the way to God is through Jesus, but I think what that means is that we can't give up on God when it gets hard, or when we don't understand why things happen the way they do. And through his downfall, Jesus was one of the most profound examples of that exact point. Jesus suffered more than I can comprehend. And if Jesus was an extension of God (which I believe he was), and God made him suffer as he did, than what should we expect for ourselves? Certainly nothing easy.
That being said, I'm going to miss my Grandpa. I already do, with every part of my being. But I also understand that it was his time to go. And I believe he is in a better place now. I just wish it was easier to let go. And I wish we had a little more time together... | | |
| I'm already stressed, I'm already stressed, I'm already stressed... it's become my new mantra. Week two of the school year hasn't even started, and I'm already stressed. There's too much going on and I'm thinking months not days. Maybe if I started taking things one day at a time, my heart wouldn't be racing quite so fast.
I'm tired of babysitting freshman. I'm tired of trying to please everyone. I'm tired of having so many obligations. I'm tired of never seeing my friends, or feeling guilty when I do.
And what's more is that I'm afraid. Of not being a good enough person, a good enough student. Of failing this semester. Of alienating myself from all of my residents. Of losing my friends. Of not doing a good enough job. Of disappointing everyone around me. Of losing myself completely in my attempt to prevent these things from happening.
I feel like last semester is already repeating itself. Complete deja vu. And that scares me more than anything. I don't want to feel lost like that, ever again. I won't let it happen. It's just that, right now, I don't know if that's possible. But it has to be. It just has to be. I have to believe in myself because even considering the alternative only serves to drive me further towards that dark hole, and I'm not sure I'd even have the ability to climb back out again.
So instead, I'll listen to music and drift to sleep, and pray that by morning I'll be smiling. I KNOW that come tomorrow, I'll be smiling. | | |
| During the past week and a half of training, our hall director has driven home the point that placing people into categories leads to one of two associations: good and bad. Thus, she has been encouraging us to do our best to avoid categorization, and instead accept the new people we meet without labels. In theory I think she makes a relatively sound point, although one that cannot exactly be put into practice. Human instinct dictates that we evaluate new situations and new people based on past experiences, which inevitably leads to placing them into categories. The trick of it is understanding your instinctual assumptions are not necessarily correct.
However, that's not exactly the point I set out to discuss today (although somewhat relevant). I was thinking about this philosophy as I went on a walk to blow off some energy yesterday night: of a good and a bad based on categories. Specifically I was considering 'alone' and 'together'. The first being bad while the second, good. Now, before you start debating me on whether or not this is true, I'll admit that I realize that this is a very broad generalization not all people agree with. Moving on.
My overall impression of alone draws up adjectives such as sad, selfish, off-putting, sheltered, withdrawn, lonely, lost, broken, etc. On the other hand, 'together' brings to mind loving (and lovable), caring, friendly, kind, happy, outgoing, relaxed... I think you get the picture. Problem is, as a person who tends towards introversion, I have a hard time reconciling these two self-defined associations with my own idea of who I am and what it means to be myself.
When I spend a day being constantly around people, I often feel an overwhelming need to get away and have a few minutes (more likely hours) to myself. This is followed swiftly by a nearly equal amount of guilt. Why do I need to be alone? Can I really be irritated merely by the presence of other people? Aren't I supposed to LIKE socializing? If I were really the kind, caring person I think myself to be, would I be running to hide alone right now? On the other hand, if I don't take that little bit of personal time each day I move to a level of apprehension somewhere beyond stress just bordering panic. I'm irritable and cranky and start snapping at the people I value most (who also happen to be the same ones encouraging me to take time off). But isn't that what people who are alone are supposed to do? Doesn't there loneliness consume them almost to the point of breaking? Why would I want to be alone if that's what alone leads to (a question I ask despite the fact that my lack of alone time leads to the production of those traits)?
I have to learn to accept the fact that just because I need to get away from time to time doesn't mean that I'm selfish and off-putting. I still have friends and family. I still like people and want to be around them, just not all the time. And I also have to learn that when I AM alone, or decide to take that time for myself, that I can't be afraid of how people are going to label me when they see me walking around solo. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter, right? I can't (or shouldn't) be embarrassed for a lack of constant social activity, especially when it's self imposed (and desired).
Life is about blending. Together AND alone. A happy healthy mix of multiple traits made to each person's preference. | | |
| I know it's out of character for me to be overly vocal when it comes to religion, and I promise this won't be too much to the contrary, merely an attempt to organize my thoughts into something I can understand.
For a really long time, which I like to think of laughingly to myself as my own personal dark ages, I struggled. Against who I was, what I was doing, where I was going. I ran away from the people I loved, I lost interest in school, I did all the things you're supposed to do when you're a sullen teenager believing the entire world is against you. The only difference being it was last semester, and I didn't tell anyone - although the people who were closest to me probably suspected that something, at least, was different. I did manage a few panic attacks, which may have been a tip off. I think I've finally figured out why I imposed this own personal hell on myself, which I won't bore you with the details of. Suffice it to say that day by day I managed to climb back out and I think I've finally made it to solid ground and sunshine.
What I remember most vividly from these 'dark ages' are my prayers. They went something like this... "Hi God. It's me again. I know we don't talk very much anymore, but I thought I'd let you know that even though I don't always act like it, I still believe in you. But I don't think I have faith in you anymore, and I think that if I could find that, everything else might be okay. I'm sorry. For everything I can't do." I know, it's a sad excuse for a prayer, and on the occasions that I even remembered to pray, it was really all I could manage.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and my summer trip to Europe. I'd like to say that there was a particular event that sparked my newfound faith, like some heroine in an epic fantasy, but it wasn't like that at all. It was more of a slow realization, where I was surrounded by so much beauty that I was hard-pressed to deny the presence of something greater than human kind. I couldn't find many reasons not to be in complete awe of everything around me. And when I really sat and thought about it, I knew that I believed in God's ability to create all of these marvels.
However, my next step has been one of defining my new faith. I have always been taught what, specifically, to believe about God and Jesus and everything else, but I decided to try and discover what I believe APART from what I have been taught, which is not an easy feat and likely not possible at all. Here is the little I have managed to come up with on my own. I realized last night (the time when I come to most of my realizations) that I view God as more of an 'it' than a 'he', although I would never refer to God as 'it'. Just God - like a name for that which is impossible to name. God, for me, is... everything. And when I think of God I think of wind rushing through trees, wide open night skies filled with stars, the weight and depth of emotion, the feeling of morning dew beneath my feet while a walk through the grass, the soaring cliffs on the island of Capri, the intricacy of the human mind and body... Everything. Which is, I believe, why I've also had a problem with returning to church (unless this is one of those 'convenient theories I've created for myself' type of ideas).
I've always been taught "God the father" but I can no longer think of God as something so simple as a father. And praying to God as such feels... restricting. Like I'm talking to a person, which is not an idea my mind can compare with the 'everything' it attempts to understand. When I pray now, it's more like releasing my thoughts into the cosmos and knowing that no matter where they are, they will be known by that all-encompassing presence of God.
On the other hand, I've also been taught that "Jesus is the son of God", which is also an idea I don't think I agree with - at least not in the literal sense of the words. Jesus IS God (also something I've been taught), but he's human, too. Like God gave me a magnet for the internal compass of my soul. Someone REAL who has experienced pain, but strives to be something more regardless. An awesome best friend. An idol.
So now, my inner self debates over something new. If God is good (which I believe God is), and God is everything, that means my idea of God would encompass war and hate, jealousy, maliciousness. Some would say these are the work of the devil or original sin, but I'm not so sure. Because I DO believe God is these things, too. Now my only problem is reconciling the idea of 'good' with that of 'hate' and maybe I'll have learned a little bit more. We'll see...
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| Currently, I am 'studying' for an exam I have tomorrow. Problem is my focus is at an all-time low, I can't afford to do badly, and I need to get this out of my head.
Do you ever have those moments in your day when someone takes you by surprise? Not necessarily in a brings you a gift or does something nice kind of way, but in a you weren't expecting to see them sort of way. I'd like to take a moment to add that I know I'm being cryptic and I hope it isn't overly frustrating for those of you who actually take the time to read this. That being said, I'll continue... This person, this surprise, gets stuck in your head - maybe for no reason at all. Maybe the only thing that happened was that you saw them from across the room. Did you look away, smile and nod, actually approach them and (gasp) hold a conversation? Maybe you did talk, briefly, about nothing in particular. Or maybe you even took the time to sit and hold an actual conversation.
What's the point? Too many hours later, you're still thinking about it. Replaying every single minute detail in your head until events become so twisted you're no longer sure what really happened and what you invented to protect yourself from the truth. Or maybe your mind created a new story wherein events play out exactly as you would have planned (had you a way of knowing ahead of time), and it's like breathing hope into a drowning heart.
One of my best friends always says not to worry about the people in your past because there's a reason they didn't make it to your future. She an amazing person, and I only wish I was strong enough to believe her. Especially when I feel like, when you get straight to the point, it was all on me and I let it go.
I find that recently I've been making too many excuses for myself. I'm distancing myself from the people around me and even now, even when it's the time of night during which I am most brutally honest with myself, I can't come up with a reason. This semester has started to overwhelm me to the point of losing myself, and I can't help but wonder whether I'll ever find me again. I hope I do.
I'm ready for summer.
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